How to Deal with a Rude Brother

Question

A person is seeking advice on how to handle their brother who is rude and lacks manners, both towards them and others.

Answer 1

Peace be upon you, May Allah accept your deeds. In response to your question: There are several principles to keep in mind when dealing with such a situation: 1. This is a trial from Allah, and everything that results from it, including the harm and endurance you experience, brings you rewards that only Allah knows. In facing trials, we should strive to respond and interact in the best way, as Allah tests us to see who does better deeds. A person's growth is tied to their struggle against themselves; the more intense this struggle, the greater their development. On the Day of Judgment, you will recognize the blessing of this trial if you handle it well. 2. The principles of etiquette and rights should not be disregarded during disputes and troubled relationships. There is no justification for abandoning manners with someone who does not observe them. 3. If you do good, it is for your own benefit. Even if you treat others well, that goodness primarily reflects back on you, as your own state is affected by your actions. 4. A person's behavior stems from their inner self and thoughts, shaped by their nature and temperament. Therefore, if we approach someone with the right analysis of their personality, we can predict how they might act or react. 5. A brother is a relative, and thus cutting ties with him is not permissible. Considering these points, it is undoubtedly commendable to maintain affection among siblings, as feeling this bond brings comfort. However, if one cannot achieve this emotional connection with those around them, the minimum is to avoid harboring animosity towards others. You are not required to love him, but there are degrees between love and animosity or abandonment. Perhaps the least you can do is to avoid daily interactions with him. You should also address any resentment or hostility in your heart by examining its causes within yourself. Try to express your discomfort regarding some of his actions and clarify that your intention in doing so is to improve your relationship. If you find it difficult to achieve this, seek common interests between you and enhance interactions in those areas, while avoiding others. Allah loves those who approach Him, and He is self-sufficient. His goodness descends upon us, even though our evils ascend to Him. The Shariah does not permit us to treat people based on how they treat us; rather, it commands us to do good to those who wrong us. Therefore, your struggle to be patient with what you know about him and to forgive his misdeeds is primarily a kindness to yourself before it is to him, as we mentioned earlier. Those who do good will be rewarded accordingly. Ask Allah for him to receive continuous guidance and support, and try to place yourself in his shoes to understand his actions from his perspective and the circumstances that led him to behave that way. The behavior of any person is a result of their thought processes, influenced by many factors such as environment, upbringing, and experiences. Do not judge another's actions solely based on your understanding and perspective; instead, strive to comprehend the reasons behind their behavior to find excuses for them and help them overcome their shortcomings. May Allah grant you success and guidance. If you find it impossible to do so, do not compromise your faith and manners. 2. Regarding dealing with family in light of such a brother: Strive to compensate as much as you can. Be a substitute for him in what you can do. Adopt a giving mindset rather than a taking one. Look for ways to provide your parents with emotional and material support. Whatever you can do to alleviate their worries and burdens, do it, and let your motivation be to draw closer to Allah through kindness to them. Allah will grant you assistance and strength. Additionally, try to help them be patient with him so that they do not come to dislike him or be harmed by him. May Allah assist you, and may you receive rewards and blessings. Wishing you success in all good deeds.