Peace be upon you. Since childhood, my parents have had endless problems, most of which are trivial and stem from anger and differing opinions. After I got married, I feared that these problems would transfer to my home, so I started to distance myself from my family and only attended gatherings. They began to say that I am a disobedient child. I try to avoid communication and seeing them unless necessary to prevent conflicts. During our last meeting on Eid, there was a disagreement, and my father expelled my wife and me from his house. What is my duty towards them?
[AR_ID:4720]
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1 Answer
Peace be upon you and God's mercy and blessings,
There is no necessary connection between communicating with them and seeing them and the occurrence of problems in your home. It is better to seek other solutions to avoid transferring these issues to you if that is your only concern. However, if avoiding communication and seeing them except in emergencies contradicts kindness towards them or treating them well, then it is forbidden.
In general, a child has two duties towards their parents:
(First) To be kind to them, by providing for them if they are in need, securing their living necessities, and fulfilling their requests regarding their life affairs within the limits of what is customary and what is required by sound nature. Neglecting this would be a denial of their kindness towards you, and this varies in extent based on their condition of strength or weakness.
(Second) To associate with them in a good manner, without harming them in word or deed, even if they are unjust to you. The text states: "Even if they strike you, do not rebuke them and say, 'May God forgive you.'"
This pertains to their affairs.
As for the affairs of the child themselves:
Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Sistani (may God protect him):
The harm that may come to the parents is of two types:
1- If the harm arises from their compassion for their child, then any action leading to that harm is forbidden, whether they prohibit it or not.
2- If the harm arises from their possessing some reprehensible traits, such as not wishing well for their child, whether in this world or the hereafter, then the parents' harm in this case does not have an effect, and the child is not obliged to comply with their desires of this nature. Thus, it becomes clear that obeying parents in their personal commands and prohibitions is not obligatory in itself.
Source: Official website: 1, 2.
Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Khamenei (may God protect him):
If the parents' command pertains to an action that is not prohibited by Sharia, it is preferable to obey their command, unless disobeying them would cause them significant harm. In that case, it would not be permissible to disobey their command.
Thus, it becomes clear that obeying parents in their personal commands and prohibitions is not obligatory in itself. And God knows best.
May you be successful in all good.