The importance of honoring parents in Islam and the dangers of disobedience.
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Peace be upon you and God's mercy and blessings.
Introduction: The Importance of Honoring Parents in Islam and the Dangers of Disobedience
Islam emphasizes the importance of honoring and being good to parents, making it a duty that follows the worship of God alone without associating partners with Him. Allah says: ﴿ And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. ﴾ (Surah Al-Isra, 17:23) and ﴿ And when We took the covenant from the Children of Israel, [enjoining upon them], 'Do not worship except Allah, and to parents, good treatment...' ﴾ (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:83).
Imam Al-Sadiq (peace be upon him) explained the meaning of being good to parents, stating: (Being good means treating them well and not making them ask you for anything they need, even if they are self-sufficient) (Al-Kafi 2/157).
Children should honor their parents, respect them, elevate their status, lower their wings in humility, and treat them with good manners. A child should not scold their parents, raise their voice above theirs, or harm them in any way. Allah says: ﴿ ... So do not say to them [so much as], 'uff,' and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. * And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, 'My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.' ﴾.
In light of this responsibility placed upon children, it is the role of parents to assist their children in fulfilling this right. This is indicated in the hadith that is the subject of the question, narrated by Muhammad ibn Ali ibn Al-Husayn through his chain from Hammād ibn 'Amr and Anas ibn Muhammad from his father from Ja'far ibn Muhammad from his ancestors in the Prophet's (peace be upon him) advice to Ali (peace be upon him): 'O Ali, the right of the child upon his father is to give him a good name, teach him good manners, and place him in a good environment. And the right of the father upon his child is that he should not be named after him, should not walk in front of him, should not sit in front of him, and should not enter the bathroom with him. O Ali, cursed are the parents who lead their child to disobedience. O Ali, the parents are responsible for their child's disobedience just as the child is responsible for their disobedience to them. O Ali, may Allah have mercy on the parents who lead their child to honor them. O Ali, whoever saddens his parents has disobeyed them.' (Wasail al-Shi'a, vol. 21, p. 390).
This hadith indicates that just as children must honor their parents, parents should also raise their children well and treat them wisely and gently, avoiding actions that would lead children towards disobedience. If a child is not trained to obey their parents, they will not accept the advice, guidance, and corrective orders from them, creating numerous problems for themselves, their parents, and society. They may rebel against all values, laws, and traditions established by the state and society.
Imam Hasan ibn Ali Al-Askari (peace be upon him) said: "The boldness of a child towards their father in childhood leads to disobedience in adulthood" (Tuhaf al-Uqul: 368).
Training a child to obey their parents requires continuous effort from both parents to instill this behavior, as children at this stage seek to build their identity and independence. They need additional effort from their parents, and the best way to train them to obey is to make them feel loved and cherished. If a child feels love, affection, and appreciation from their parents, they will strive to maintain that by pleasing them, and the most significant way to please them is through obedience.
If love prevails in the relationship between the child and their parents, then obedience will naturally follow. Parents should issue commands gently and kindly, as the child will respond positively. However, using reprimands and harshness will lead to counterproductive results. Thus, psychologists and educators emphasize minimizing harshness, as Anwar Al-Jundi stated: (Be moderate in reprimanding when a fault occurs, as excessive punishment makes it easier for the child to disregard blame and diminishes the impact of words on them).
A child who has received love and appreciation will not find any conflict between obedience and their desire for independence. The love they feel deepens their ability to imitate the behavior of those they love, namely their parents. Their behavior reflects that of their parents, and they will respond positively to them. If treated as a mature individual with respect, they will feel comfortable and behave maturely without disrespecting their parents, thus practicing obedience to them and, subsequently, to all values they learn from their parents, school, or society.
There are other hadiths that elaborate on the forms of assistance, including:
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "May Allah have mercy on parents who assist their children in honoring them" (Mustadrak al-Wasa'il 2: 618).
He also said: "May Allah have mercy on a servant who helps their child in honoring them by treating them kindly, befriending them, teaching them, and educating them" (Mustadrak al-Wasa'il 2: 626).
He further stated: "May Allah have mercy on whoever helps their child in honoring them, which includes forgiving their mistakes and praying for them in private" (Iddat al-Da'i: 61).
He also said: "May Allah have mercy on whoever helps their child in honoring them... accepts what is easy for them, overlooks what is difficult, does not burden them, and does not overwhelm them...".
It is also important to note that a child in their early developmental stages is a keen observer of their surroundings. They do not only learn from theoretical lessons but also derive practical lessons from their parents' actions. A child who honors their father will find it easier to teach their children to honor others, unlike someone whose behavior towards their father contradicts that in front of their child.
Regarding the child, they must honor their parents and accompany them in this world with kindness, regardless of their actions. Allah says: ("And if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. To Me is your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.").
It has been reported from Imam Al-Baqir (peace be upon him) that he said: (There are three things for which Allah, the Exalted, has not granted anyone a concession: fulfilling trusts to both the righteous and the wicked, keeping promises to both the righteous and the wicked, and honoring parents whether they are righteous or wicked).
May you be successful in all good.
Sources:
1) Honoring Parents and Being Good to Them - Islamic Radiance Center.